Follow-up Friday

I’ll admit it.  When I started this blog, it was with Big Dreams, the idea of becoming A Brand, a well-known blog —  followers, endorsements, magazines, TV, blah de blah.  While I had read a lot of “mom blog” posts before here & there, I didn’t really keep up with any one blogger or “follow” anyone.  So, I’m not sure that I even really knew what I was getting myself into.  Once I started this blog I figured it’d be a good idea to keep an eye on some other blogs to see what I liked, didn’t like, etc..  To my surprise, once I did this, I realized that, I did not want “all that” after all.  Or at least, I didn’t want to do what was required to get there.  I don’t want to be scrutinizing statistics,  scheduling blog posts, searching for sponsors for conferences, etc.  I just want to write.  When I feel like it.  What I feel like writing.  I realized that if I am the only one who ever reads my blog, that’s OK.  I think writing is a helpful and healing experience, and that it’s an experience I need.

However, I haven’t been writing in my blog.  Mostly because I’m having a hard time dealing with my mother’s Alzheimer’s.  Watching her decline is so hard.  Beyond hard.  There really aren’t words that describe it. 

I’ve realized that when I am upset about her I tend toward self-destructive behavior.  Not that I’m trying to hurt myself, but, the things I do (or don’t do) are all ways of distracting myself or avoiding thinking about Mom/my feelings.  I’m not “a drinker,” but I do like my glass of wine in the evening, usually I can take it or leave it but when “things are bad,” I NEED it.  I haven’t been exercising.  I haven’t been staying on my Medifast program.  I’ve been shopping compulsively.  And, I haven’t been writing.  I’ve been telling myself I didn’t have time to do these things, but, I realize that, whether or not that is actually true, I’ve got to Make Time.

I need to reach out, not withdraw.  Both online and IRL.  I’ll be hitting the gym again.  I’m making dates to get together with friends.  I’m going to schedule a massage.  I’ve got to hold myself accountable for what I’m eating.   And I will be writing about it all.  Even if it’s just talking to myself, it will be good for me.