I’ll admit it. When I started this blog, it was with Big Dreams, the idea of becoming A Brand, a well-known blog — followers, endorsements, magazines, TV, blah de blah. While I had read a lot of “mom blog” posts before here & there, I didn’t really keep up with any one blogger or “follow” anyone. So, I’m not sure that I even really knew what I was getting myself into. Once I started this blog I figured it’d be a good idea to keep an eye on some other blogs to see what I liked, didn’t like, etc.. To my surprise, once I did this, I realized that, I did not want “all that” after all. Or at least, I didn’t want to do what was required to get there. I don’t want to be scrutinizing statistics, scheduling blog posts, searching for sponsors for conferences, etc. I just want to write. When I feel like it. What I feel like writing. I realized that if I am the only one who ever reads my blog, that’s OK. I think writing is a helpful and healing experience, and that it’s an experience I need.
However, I haven’t been writing in my blog. Mostly because I’m having a hard time dealing with my mother’s Alzheimer’s. Watching her decline is so hard. Beyond hard. There really aren’t words that describe it.
I’ve realized that when I am upset about her I tend toward self-destructive behavior. Not that I’m trying to hurt myself, but, the things I do (or don’t do) are all ways of distracting myself or avoiding thinking about Mom/my feelings. I’m not “a drinker,” but I do like my glass of wine in the evening, usually I can take it or leave it but when “things are bad,” I NEED it. I haven’t been exercising. I haven’t been staying on my Medifast program. I’ve been shopping compulsively. And, I haven’t been writing. I’ve been telling myself I didn’t have time to do these things, but, I realize that, whether or not that is actually true, I’ve got to Make Time.
I need to reach out, not withdraw. Both online and IRL. I’ll be hitting the gym again. I’m making dates to get together with friends. I’m going to schedule a massage. I’ve got to hold myself accountable for what I’m eating. And I will be writing about it all. Even if it’s just talking to myself, it will be good for me.